Apologies

It’s always being suggested that we find the things that make us happy and to do them as much as possible. I asked myself this question today…seriously asked it…and so far:
*refraining from cursing out childsish, passive-aggressive adults.
*music
*making out on the living room floor
*when I’m in a bad mood I still love going to the playground to swing as high as information can, laying out flat
*reading to my child at night
*listening to Nina Simone
*drinking cocoa
*watching a campfire
*rolling down hill

Planting Wildflowers & Saving the World

A few weeks ago I woke with a feeling of fear and panic because I’d had a nightmare about me and some friends running from a sinkhole and narrowly escaping it.

Often I start my days meditating that all day long I will see things and meet people that will make me happy, but this dream left me feeling TOO anxious. So in an attempt to dispel this black cloud I picked up my phone to find an uplifting video on YouTube, I needed an outside source of inspiration to rid myself of this mood. While the video loaded, up popped a commercial from Cascadian Farms https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3kydE9PW0H8  about how bee populations are declining. Sigh. I didn’t need any more sadness. I didn’t want to hear about how their disappearance was the canary in the coal mine about how we are effing up our planet. I didn’t want more rolling around in the torture and suffering. I was looking for hope. I almost pressed the SKIP AD button but didn’t. It started out as expected (depressing) but ended with a solution!

What?!

It simply said plant wildflowers to bring back bees. My mood and life altered immediately.

Freaking wildflowers man?!

Who knew that would be the thing I have been seeking on my path to joy and purpose. I’ve been lost, really checked out for years.

A little more than a year ago someone asked me, “Without mentioning your work or child what makes you happy?”,  I couldn’t answer that.

Astounding.

So I decided to make a list, the paper sat empty for months before I was able to add things like dancing and swinging as high as I could at the playground (laying out flat as I come down is a favorite. Great free therapy. Try it). But I still had this empty feeling inside and the list still remains relatively short.

A few months after this question I stumbled upon High Carb Veganism, sadly it left me feeling worse because I was no longer zoned out on animal products and processed foods and my life was brought into sharper focus. I felt helpless, (beyond no longer contributing my money to animal products) clueless. How could I actively add joy to the world? I just didn’t feel called toward anything.

Nothing got me excited (other than taking a nap), but this planting wildflowers thing?  The vastness of what it meant filled me up. This wasn’t about my job or my child, but about generations. It’s about hope oriented, love filled action. It’s about taking my eyes off my problems (not adding to them) and focusing on what I do want and expanding THAT!

That’s what I’ve been bumbling around in the dark looking for. Wildflowers man.

Planting flowers was the opposite of what I’d started out striving for. I’d wanted to do splashy things. Get noticed. Given the microphone to the worlds ears. To find some epic way to standout, make a difference. Clean up the oceans and air, shake and awaken humans into more loving, positive beings.

I wanted a video of mine on YouTube to go viral. Be on Oprah. On the cover of “Time” magazine as Woman of the Year. Be a combination of Gandhi, Mother T. and Angela Davis. As exciting as all this sounded, if I were being honest, the thought  of all this work and attention exhausted me.

These imaginings were more about impressing others. It was about finally being able to love myself because I was popular. I thought this would make me feel I was somebody special. Happier.

This commercial really brought home the fact that my purpose is happiness. I’ve known this intellectually for years but this ad took it from mental concept to heart lived reality.

The realization hit me like an internal sonic boom.

I’m adding to the world just by being here?

I don’t need to be adored and caught on tape and blinded by paparazzi to be loveable?

Everything that I was told as a child by caring, wise adults ‘Be yourself’. ‘You’re special just the way you are’,  ‘Be happy.’ Every, so-called, boring axiom that I didn’t believe because it didn’t feel wild or colorful enough to matter, is actually true?

Being happy in life is enough to change humanity?

Being a simple, living example is something to be proud of?

Shining for myself is enough?

Planting flowers is a purely selfish act. It moves me. It is deeply satisfying. Done out of pure joy. Not because it will pay the bills or fulfills a seemingly never-ending list of duties to be done, but because it lights me up, fills my cup and makes the world a better place for bees, for all of us. I want to be part of that.

Just imagining the flowers’ leaves and petals slow, tender unfolding. The variety of color and shapes. The leaves and petals there because of me. My little corner store of nutrition for bees. It makes me feel powerful, honest and good, all the things I’m realizing I really am. The things I can be without fan fare. It’s enough to just be here in the dirt, trowel in hand; grinding, pushing through the soil, smiling to myself.

The crackle of seed paper being opened, seeds in my hands and dirt under my nails and miles and miles of rainbow covered fields in my head. I have made a conscious decision to begin sowing joy into my life. Now I am doing that literally. Inside and out.

theVN

Resolutely Silent

Written in early Jan. 2015 Keep your mouth shut.  That’s what You should do this year about any improvements you decide to make in your life.

In any given magazine article about taking on new endeavors, the writers always advise to tell loads of people about this new thing you’re doing.
This is supposed to keep you in check to, keep you on track.
*** I say fooey to that crap!
A  fools mission for failure.
I am a person that has read a lot of old (early 1900’s) metaphysical books and one piece of advice the authors all seem to agree on is keeping your resolutions silently.
*** The reason for this is to give yourself time to build up momentum in this area.
To build up a head of steam.
 ***
By telling others you’re letting your power to push forward unimpeded be stripped from you.
Dramatic, but true.
Think about it.
Unless you are very lucky or extremely focused you’re allowing doubt to be leaked all over your enthusiasm.
***
 People may give you a look that says YOU’RE DOING THIS, again?
They may begin questioning you to death, punching holes in your balloon of excitement.
Picking it apart, pulling you back down into the barrel.
***
 I believe this skepticism is actually a sign of concern, most times.
They don’t want you to get hurt or to be disappointed again.
***
Perhaps they show some initial enthusiasm and want to join in on it. Your progress is then hindered because maybe one day their kid gets sick or they move too slowly/quickly -in the case of exercise- (walking, running). So you decide to use their decision/or fitness level not to go as an excuse not to do your thing.
Whatever the reason may be, it’s taken momentum from you.
 ***
By sharing you are no longer solely responsible for the forward progress in your life, in my opinion.
You’ve given them the RIGHT to see if it is a thing worth doing just by sharing your idea.
It’s become public domain.
 ***
People have a right to their opinions even if it squelches your passion. Don’t cast your pearls before swine.
I’m not calling your dear ones pigs, I’m just saying that even a clam understands keeping the fact that its making a pearl to itself until its big enough to be spit out, so to speak.
 ***
Swine, in this scenario, is anyone that’s not you.
Only you know the true importance of this thing you want accomplished.
Self improvement is called that for a reason.
If it was meant to be shared it would be called public improvement.
Meetings would be called. Time management schedules drawn up. Who needs to do what, where, when and how…blah, blah.
***
Keep your exciting new projects to yourself.
Zip your lips and stop sharing with people.
Gonna stop smokin?
Joining a gym?
Starting a diet?
Getting up to walk every morning?
Have a biz idea?
Do it. Don’t share it.
 ***
Let your passion grow.
Nothing is as titillating as a secret untold.
You’re giddy and just bursting with the thrill of it.
Let that feeling drive you. It’s an awesome feeling.
***
Uninterrupted, undiluted joy is what that feeling is and exactly what you need to sustain you until you get your feet underneath you, trusting yourself.
***
Folks say it takes twenty-one days to build a habit. That’s time enough to build a framework for change, not enough time to build an addition to your life.
I say three months is a better time line.
Don’t share anything new with anyone until you are deep into it, so that no matter what others say or do it has become an unshakeable part of who you are.
***
For example, I have failed every diet I ever went on.
I told everybody and their momma what I was doing and never got past day 3 of what I was so excited about 3 days prior.
So many doubting minds had a powerful effect on me.
***
I’m not going to go into facts found in science on how your thoughts and the projected thoughts of others are things and all of that, if interested you can do your own investigative foot work or if you’re like me you can just try it in your own life and see if it works for you.
***
I became a vegan (1 year in Feb. 2015) and didn’t tell anyone until I was 3 months in. Oh my goodness me! The opinions were flying north, south, east and west when I said I was a vegan:
That’s so good for you.
You should call yourself Plant Based, it’s easier for people to accept than the word VEGAN.
That’s so bad for you.
That’s just not what God wants.
I admire you.
You’re crazy.
I couldn’t do that.
You’re so strong.
***
Good bad or ugly their opinions didn’t sway me.
Yes some of their thoughts hurt or made me feel stupid because at the time I didn’t know enough about nutrition to answer some of their questions, but I was unshakeable in my new life choice.
I was entrenched.
Committed.
I’d had enough improvement within myself and they could no longer take my focus or make me question my ability to do this thing.
***
It was the first time I’d ever kept my mouth shut about any plan and I stuck to it.
So that’s my message to you this year.
Let your seed(s) grow in the quiet and darkness. Let it take root and then share it with those in your world.
Then come rain or shine…nothing can shake you loose.
theVN

Verbal Vomit

Being that this is my first blog I suppose I should introduce myself, but I just don’t have the juice to do that today. For now my blogger name will have to suffice. At this point this blog is just for me. A place to put all the thoughts that I can’t say in real life.

I have millions of thoughts rumbling around in my noggin when I’m not here in front of the computer. Then become choked as soon as my fingers slip upon they keys. A swirling desert of nothing. Tumbleweeds just bippin’ by.

However; I have decided to stop waffling and just write no matter what. I mean, that’s what they taught me in all those writing classes I took in college. So my plan is to just write as much as I can no matter what. I think that’s why I’ve gone a bit nutty in my life recently, I’m not writing at all these days. Years, to be honest. Excuse the rust. I believe that for some people it’s actually a mental healthcare sort of thing. To express myself this way is very cleansing. Plus, no one is looking at this blog, as of yet, so I feel very free to say whatever the hell I want to with very little feedback or repercussions.

As of right now I have to write at the library since my computer died a watery death and my phone is a POS. I have been putting off updating my phone cuz I have to drive an hour away to get that taken care of but it’s getting so slow. I fear the inevitable is coming soon. I’d rather get it taken care of before it becomes a problem.

Anyway, that’s all for now.

VN